Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Jokes with sense

.

Turning on the car stereo because the silence is too awkward

If people could read my mind I would get punched in the face a lot

Seeing a spider isn't a problem. Seeing it disappear is a problem..

I used to draw the sun in the corner of the paper. ALWAYS

That moment when you received a one word text and you were thinking so hard what to reply

Me: "time for a new diet" Me thirty minutes later: PIZZA ICECREAM CAKE AND CUPCAKES

Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?

I'm such a bad friend when it comes to communication like if you don't try to contact me you won't hear from me for months at a time

That awkward moment when you are alone with someone you just met

I'm not lazy. I'm on energy saving mode

I have unlimited texting but I only text like 3 people

Isn't your first birthday technically your second?

A fridge is a clear example of what matters is on the inside

Google must be a woman, it knows everything

A picture speaks 1000 words but with photoshop it tells 1000 lies

Politeness is so rare that some people mistake it as flirting

How to lose weight: turn your head to the left, then turn it to the right, repeat exercise when offered food

There is no u in awesome but there is me

I'm here on Instagram because my family is on Facebook

Boys lie more, but girls lie better

Twinkle twinkle little star I want to hit you with my car

four words i never want to hear: there is no food

Saying "I'm almost there" means i have not even left the house

I tried being normal worst 10 minutes of my life

H.O.M.E.W.O.R.K - half of my energy wasted on random knowledge

Harlem shake is just an excuse to go full retard for 30 seconds

Teacher: I hope not to see you copying another student's test.
Me: I hope you don't see that either

I have more conversations in my head than in real life

Best memories come from bad ideas

When I have money I don't have anything to buy. When I don't have money I want everything

Rules of math: It seems easy it's wrong

It takes 10 seconds to write a text but 10 minutes to choose an emoji that goes with it

I wish there was a pen that could copy and paste

Dear dreams: stop ending when the good part comes!!

Once I wake up I stay on my phone for like 2 hours

That awkward moment when you still don't understand someone after they have repeated themselves 4 times

When I start to study all the good T.V shows come on

You're not fat, you're just easier to see

I always regret putting my phone on silent when I can't find it

I'm not insulting you.. I'm just describing you

Balloons are so weird "happy birthday here's a plastic sack of my breath"

School: 2+2 = 4
Homework: 2+4+2 = 8
Exam: juan has 4 apples his train is seven minutes early, calculate the sun's mass

Listening to someone telling a story thinking... lie lie lie lie lie

I constantly check my phone for no reason

If women say all men are the same, why do they take their time to choose

Our phones fall we panic, our friends fall we laugh

shower - place of decision making

restarting the song because you missed your favorite line

Dear math, I don't want to solve your problems I have my own problems

People think sorry is a magic eraser

Need to end a conversation? "oh shit, i have to go, my goldfish is drowning!"

OMG, I hate her...
ME TOO!!
= instant best friends

These days, losing your phone is like losing your life

Teacher: why are you late to class?
Student: you're lucky I came to school

My room may be a mess but I know where EVERYTHING is

I wish exercising was as easy as eating

Everybody starts caring when it's too late

Fake friends tell you pretty lies, real friends tell you the ugly truth

Feels like time goes by so slow when you are waiting for something

I hate waiting an entire week to watch the next episode of my favorite show

On a math test: 2+2= ?
me: uses calculator just in case

Sleep is my drug, me bed is the dealer, my alarm is the police

My phone screen is brighter than my future

Twenty years ago we had Steve jobs, Johnny cash and Bob hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no hope, please don't let Kevin bacon die

Hides good snacks from family members

Sorry, I'm poor I can't afford to pay attention

"I'm fine" never actually means "I'm fine"

I believe in hate at first sight

That awkward moment when the dictionary definition is more confusing than the word

How am I supposed to lose weight when the best part of life is food

Can i download money?

Sleep is for the people who don't have internet

Birthdays then: look at all those presents
Birthdays now: look at all those notifications

If I reply to your one word text.. Just know you're

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